The Onion describes the iPhone's most highly anticipated features.

In the same vein, I thought I would list some of my own:

• Automatically calls the nearest Starbucks to pre-order your usual grande that's French or something
• Comes defaultly subscribed to RSS notifications of the JCrew and American Eagle catalogs
• One-button process to turn you completely jet black while listening to music
• Preloaded with iAmbetterthanyou, an application to keep track of your reasons for superiority over the pedestrian PC user
• Produces your own personal RDF at one-tenth the intensity of Steve Jobs'
• Routinely schedules your Volkswagen for dealership maintenance

Any others?